What To Do When You Have A Child With A Narcissist

Figuring out what to do when you have a child with a narcissist can be a trying time that feels like a constant up and down battle.

It can drive a woman to madness. I’ve had my fair share of it almost doing just that.

I wish I would have known then what I know now. It would have saved me a lot of the stress and frustration I felt in trying to fix it all.

The frequent arguments about him changing visitation days and times to being late or early for pickups and drop-offs, all I wanted to do was fall off the face of the earth so I would no longer have to deal with it.

Being a mom is a hard job and having to try to parent with a narcissist can only make parenting more difficult. Use these tips and tricks I used and helped me get the peace I needed back in my household and life.

Luckily, I gained knowledge and insight into how narcissists work and it was suddenly like a light bulb going off.

The most important thing to keep in mind when having a child with a narcissist is to know this: nothing and I mean nothing is more important to a narcissist than the narcissist.

Armed with this new knowledge, I began to formulate rules (that I keep to myself of course) and guidelines on how to best deal with him so his toxic behavior didn’t begin to affect my son.

Instead of getting frustrated and letting them ruin your day, week, month, or next 18 years, feel free to use these tips to help you gain control and peace back in your life.

Don’t Engage

When you have a child with a narcissist, you notice how they will love to engage in negative talk or say things that seem like they are said for the sole purpose of pushing your buttons or to hurt your feelings.

This is exactly what they are trying to and will do any given chance they get.

And what most women don’t understand is that your response, or lack thereof, is everything.

You see, the narcissist really wants you to respond back to them for one reason: they are looking to get a reaction out of you.

And it doesn’t matter what type of reaction you give them.

They just wanted to make you experience some type of negative emotion at that moment or make you snap so they can go around telling every Tom, Dick, and Harry that you are somehow the unstable one.

You see, the narcissist has a focus on doing what it takes to ruin every last little peace of mind you’ve ever had.

They literally thrive off of drama and attention, so the more you respond, the more they will poke the bear.

Not only will responding make their day, but it also gives away all your insecurities and lets them know exactly what to say to push your buttons.

It will be hard in the beginning, but the best response when having a child with a narcissist is no response.

Set Boundaries

Just like your kids will need rules and boundaries, so will the narcissistic parent.

Putting and keeping them in place is essential to keeping a stable household.

Feel the need to create whatever boundaries you believe are necessary and don’t ever feel like you may have too many.

Do whatever is necessary to keep your stress levels at bay and your household calm.

Minimal Contact

Narcissist don’t just wake up and decide they want to become narcissistic, it’s generally a learned behavior.

Making sure your child has minimal contact with the narcissist will keep your child from mimicking the same behavior.

It also helps minimize the toxic behavior your child may eventually begin to internalize and feel like they may be responsible for.

Limiting contact will allow you to create free time for you and your little one to enjoy life and create great memories in the process.

Contact By Text Message Only

If the narcissist insists that they speak with your child while the child is in your care, if you feel comfortable, allow contact by text message only.

Having a child with a narcissist is just like Forrest Gump explains life as. It became my motto so I changed it just a taste.

“Having a child with a child is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.”

So, just in case they decide to turn the conversation into an interrogation of unnecessary questions or toxic behavior, you can put an early end to it and keep the possible damage to your child to a minimal.

Not only that but if you have a court case, those messages can serve as FABULOUS evidence!

Don’t Feel Sorry

Once you begin to place some rules and regulations into place you’re going to find generally, that one of two things will happen.

The narcissist parent will either get mad because their usual tactics aren’t working or they will go in the complete opposite direction and start being extremely nice.

Even if they are being nice, it’s just a short-lived state. Once they see nice isn’t working, they’ll proceed to act like a 2-year-old having a temper tantrum on the grocery store floor.

If they are mad, they will spend even more time trying to convince you that you are the problem.

Don’t let all of their emotional instability make you feel sorry for them or feel like you can fix the situation or make them see the light of day and grow the fuck up.

It won’t work.

Feeling this way only creates the pile of dirty laundry for you to clean up! (You can find out what I mean by that by reading that blog post here 😁!

You can’t ever feel responsible for fixing someone else. Especially not another grown adult who is capable of knowing right from wrong.

These are just a few of the ways I maintain control of my home while having a child with a narcissist and hopefully you’ll get some relief using them as well.

Leave a comment below and share your experience with me and other women!

Until the next time, “Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you’ll still land among the stars.” ~Les Brown

How To Build Unstoppable Self-Esteem After Victimization

Learning how to build your self-esteem after victimization can leave you feeling like it’s more of an unfathomable idea than an actual reality.

The trials and tribulations we often endure as women in our lives can leave us feeling downright depleted of everything we’ve ever had to give.

This is especially true if you have ever been a victim of domestic violence. 1 in 4 women will be victimized in their lifetime. (1) More women than most could ever imagine suffer the perils of abuse everyday.

The tolls life take on us can sometimes leave us feeling empty with nothing left to give. Use these tips to conquer building your self esteem after victimization so you can get back to enjoying life.

From your co-worker, next door neighbor, or good friend from high school so many suffer and do so in silence and feeling like they are alone.

The constant name calling and degrading comments that happen in an abusive relationship can leave your self-esteem feeling non-existent.

Regardless if you decide to leave or stay, building higher self esteem isn’t an impossible task.

The pudding lies in putting in the work of proving your worth. Not to others, but to yourself.

It’s called SELF-esteem for a reason!

Building it leaves you feeling free (you can read the “Free” blog post here) and ready to take on the world.

Too often I encounter women who have let the negative voices of the outside world permeate their thoughts until, eventually, it becomes all that they can hear.

These are tips that I not only provide to my clients to build their self-esteem but that have also helped me in rebuilding my own life after victimization.

Take Action

Being constantly ridiculed can leave you feeling defeated and paralyzed from taking any substantial steps towards making progress.

Letting your past doubts fuel your current and future paths will lead to you to feel like you are running in circles.

Ever hear of that saying that goes, “You can lead a horse to the water, but you can’t make ’em drink it”?

Learning to build unstoppable self-esteem after victimization can only begin when you decide to take action on changing the labels you assign to yourself and allow others to assign to you.

If you feel worthless and do nothing to work on improving your value and self-worth, what else do you expect to feel but what you allow yourself to?

Goal setting was one of my favorite ways of learning to build my self-esteem after victimization. I found so much joy in setting and accomplishing what I set out to achieve.

You don’t have to and I highly suggest that you don’t, set your sight on unobtainable goals.

For instance, if I said I was going to write a best selling New York Times book in less than 6 months with no prior writing experience, that would be me setting myself up for failure and further decreasing my self-esteem and self-worth because Ididn’t achieving my intended goal.

Start with something simple. Opening your own bank account, getting your first apartment or job, or even something as simple as getting a good support system in place are all positive and obtainable goals to strive for.

The point isn’t necessarily in achieving the goal itself. Yeah, you’ll definitely feel good for accomplishing something you once thought to be impossible, but it’s more in getting over of fear of moving towards conquering the unknown and the unseen.

Most won’t admit it, myself included in my discoveries in building my self-esteem after victimization, but fear is the main reason we will ignore the urge to change our lives for the better.

What I learned to focus on instead, was the process itself.

Yes, change is terrifying but only if you let circumstances control you instead of you earning to control them in the course of your journey.

We often react to situations in our life, without focusing on what really matters.

Being alive and breathing is all we need to appreciate after experiencing trauma. Getting there takes time, but focusing on the good leaves little room to focus on what has and may continue to hurts us.

And even if you don’t succeed at the first attempt at your goal, guess what? You get the chance to wake up and plug away at it again tomorrow.

When you are dead and in your grave is the only time you should stop chasing and fighting for what you want and deserve for yourself.

Despite what you’ve been told, I’m here to tell you-you are absolutely worth it. Your happiness deserves to come first for a change.

Change Your Surroundings

Changing the surroundings you constantly find yourself in during your daily routine is one of the most beneficial ways in how to build self-esteem after victimization.

Even if you aren’t ready to leave if you are still in an abusive relationship, small changes can make all of the difference.

Too often I see women that will let what other say about them determine their self worth.

I see it a little differently for two reasons.

The first is rather simple. Hurt people, hurt others. Or as my momma used to say, misery loves company.

For most women, suffering from low self-esteem comes out in catty and hurtful ways of comments to others criticizing and/or judging you and/or your life.

In doing so, the bully often gets a type of “high” in feeling a temporary rise in their own self worth, but trust me, it’s always short lived.

It then becomes a vicious circle of good old mean girl syndrome and a endless berrage of negative comments that frequently get hurled your way.

It will be hard at first to learn to ignore what others project on you from their own pain and misery. But learn to look at it as just that, their hurt being hurled at you instead of being internally addressed.

The second reason is slightly petty, but I’m a slightly petty and proud bitch.

Nothing delights me more than knowing that someone spend the precious God given limited time on this earth to spend their time talking about me.

When some women do this, not only is it insecurity, but it’s also envy.

If you’ve been through the trenches, it only proves that your stronger than you can acknowledge to yourself.

And if other women spend their time talking about you, you better believe they see that strength and wish they were as strong as they see you being.

Changing your circle and keeping people around you who will uplift you and provide nothing but a postitive a supportive enviroment around you should be the goal.

Ridding yourself of as much negativity as you can in your environment will leave opportunity to give you a glimpse of all the wonderful and positive traits that make you special and unique.

And when you begin to recognize and see these traits brought to the forefront from you positive environment, you can focus on developing yourself on an even higher level.

You can begin to get to a whole new level of positivity in your life from learning to grow and use your unique talents and skills to help others and yourself.

Transferring your focus on increasing your level of development and increasing personal growth exponentially provides you with increased self-esteem.

Learning to accomplish what you once believed to be impossible and doing so with supportive assistance provides the basic building blocks to rebuilding a new and unbreakable you.

What do you struggle with in trying to create the change you want in your life to move past your victimization? Make sure to leave a comment below and share!

And remember, “Shoot for the moon. And even if you miss, you’ll still land among the stars.” ~Les Brown

Dirty Laundry

Getting to a place where you can let your past pain provide lessons for the future may not seem like a possibility, but let me tell you I am absolute living proof that it is.

I was holding on to things that were eating away at me and were some of the most painful events and circumstances of my life.

I, like most of us, tried to lock it all away behind a door for no one to ever see.

But then something happened. I became a momma.

Having a child forced me to grow past my pain so that I wouldn’t pass it on to or let it affect my son.

Moving on after a traumatic relationship is essential to healing and just like dealing with dirty laundry. Learn how to heal by cleaning the pile buried over your happiness so you can free yourself to  find happiness.

I began to desire to heal and release myself from my past trauma and it required a willingness to go deep.

It took me to be willing to clean up the pile of dirty laundry I’d let build up in the corners of my heart.

I finally got tired of pretending. I walked around with a mask on, all the while hurting like hell inside.

Let me tell you, that mask didn’t and never works.

Walking around with all the extra baggage not only left me feeling drained, but often left me feeling like I had absolutely nothing left to give.

Doing this sort of emotional cleaning gave me a chance to get back to living my best life. And, most importantly, it allowed me to get back to feeling like I had regained the power involuntarily taken from me.

The Spin Cycle

Back and forth, up and down, side to side seems to be all the ways abusive relationships move. Never forward, or even in a semi-straight line, as it should.

At one point I remember thinking it must be me and that maybe I was going a taste bit crazy.

That’s how it always starts. It’s a slow process of being broken down so you learn to trust your instincts and feelings less.

So I let it continue for much longer than it should have. Even when I had that feeling deep down from my soul telling me I needed to leave.

I know any victim of trauma can relate. We often stay for one reason and one reason only; hoping, wishing, and praying they go back to being the kind and gentle person you first met.

And that’s the cycle in a nutshell. You get tossed every which way, just hoping you can remain somewhat in tact during the process.

We often make excuses for why we continue to do something that doesn’t fulfill our needs.

It will only extend the cycle, making it harder to end.

By the time I decided I was done, I was an emotional wreck and had lost every little bit of self esteem I had ever had.

I was broken.

But it’s in being broken we can see the full picture if we’re willing to take a look at it from different angles.

Avoiding and letting your pile get larger will only create more problems down the line.

When we don’t take the time to examine the smelly mess of clothes building up, do you know what happens?

Other smelly piles of clothes want to sit right beside you.

You see, we attract what we feel we are worthy of.

Have you ever wondered why you may meet the same kind of douchey men all the time?

It’s because of that dirty pile of laundry.

What we put out is what we will generally attract back to us.

So to get something new, you must be willing to try something and do new things as often as you can.

As hard as it was to go through that pile of laundry, I decided it was the only way to move forward to create positive change and growth in my life.

Folding Clothes

After I took a look at the massive pile I had created over the last 10 years, I knew it would take a little bit of time to get the pile to a more manageable size.

I began with the little things, like working on building my self esteem back up and learning how to enjoy spending time alone.

Day by day, week by week, month by month, the pile began to shrink.

Getting through everything wasn’t easy, but it was a way to clean the mess and eventually unload all that I had felt the need to unnecessarily let simmer in my soul.

Some clothes took longer than others to fold, but just seeing the pile got smaller and smaller was enough motivation to keep trying to get to the bottom of it.

That’s why you start with the easy clothes to fold first.

Seeing results makes it easy to keep going when facing those that may be more time consuming for you to overcome.

Learn to focus your attention on the outcome of your goal and not the actual process.

It’s a small change that you will find can make a world of difference.

Learn to live and enjoy the little accomplishments in life. Feel accomplished everytime you are able to fold and place away a piece of something that once used to cause you pain, no matter how big or small it is.

It all matters.

And by the time all that dirty laundry is cleaned, folded, and placed where it belongs, you will feel freer that you could have ever imagined possible.

It will give you the room to walk around, in ample space, to put more positive and prosperous thoughts and actions in your life.

Once I got rid of my pile, I felt and still feel, unstoppable.

You deserve to feel as best as you were put on this earth to. No one was meant to be on earth suffering in an unrecognizable existence.

Getting what you desire and deserve out of life is not impossible. The only thing that makes it impossible, is choosing never to start.

Do it on your time, but just decide to take just one step forward into moving yourself in a better direction for your life.

When you decide to put you first, you’ll start to see the amazing happen!

And as Les Brown says, “Shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you’ll still land among the stars.”